GUILTY AS CHARGED
File under: P DIDDY TRIAL/RELATIONSHIPS/PSYCHOLOGY
There was a slight nagging of old hurt and fresh anticipation for the unknown but nothing that would inhibit the fact that today felt like a good day to have a good day. I began with intention, gratitude, and great hope for the unfolding of the day.
In my morning devotion and prayer I asked my God,
“What do you have in store for me!?”
At 10:59 am exactly (I remember because I was rushing to prepare for my next therapy session), I could feel the pinch of deep sorrow in my heart center and the burn of fresh tears behind my eyes.
The sadness and the hurt is sometimes unbearable.
Today was actually similar to most days. Today, I was reminded that this world doesn’t REALLY love me. Allow me to expound. I have had many hard experiences with men. Hurtful experiences and even harmful ones. I have been extremely blessed to know great men. Men that are ambitions, generous, and kind. And yet, even those great men have intentionally or unintentionally degraded, dismissed, and defended AGAINST the humanness of the women in their lives. #disappointing
My good day collided with what I will call a humble reckoning.
We don’t love women! I mean really love women. I am not referring to affection or adoration or appreciation or enjoyment or even cathexis as defined by the late great Bell Hooks, but love – the genuine commitment to hold space for our divine value and to nurture our spiritual growth.
Let me be clear.
I work hard to identify my biases and extend fair consideration for the lived experiences of all individuals. Let me tell you what I know. There is a community of men that are universally and wildly misunderstood (even by me – guilty as charged!). Harm is uniquely familiar to this subgroup of men, and care, is rare.
News flash! We don’t love Black men either – guilty as charged!
Black men deserve consideration.
Black men deserve care.
Black men deserve redemption.
Black men deserve so much better because their humanity matters. No matter how flawed, how broken, how wounded, or how lost they may be; I believe Black men deserve more.
And yet todays forever famous P. Diddy verdict doesn’t exactly represent the “more” that I believe Black men deserve. It more accurately represents deep and ingrained contempt we hold toward women who don’t comply or dare I say, stay in her lane. This verdict more fully represents that in the United States of America (and perhaps beyond) we have been indoctrinated to believe that money and power matter far more than morality and compassion. That even among the most vulnerable subgroup of men; the physical, mental, and emotional safety of women is at best negotiable.
Confession…
I knew it would play out this way. Most women knew that it would likely end up this way. Every woman I know has expressed the reality that their comfort isn’t usually considered.
Their perspective and experiences invalidated and their needs ignored.
It leads one to wonder, would this trial and this verdict reflect any different?
Many of my peers have openly and causally reinforced what I have long known about how the world (men and women alike) conceptualize harm against women.
Harm against women isn’t wrong nor illegal…it is (at best) debatable. Harm itself is understood in skewed fashion.
We, the, people, believe the following:
“Since when was it a crime to be freaky?”
Well, my friends’ I am glad you asked. It isn’t a crime to be freaky. I guess I just wasn’t aware that our modern conceptualization and understanding of freakiness (or swinging) included manipulative coercion and the misappropriation of influence and authority. I was under the impression that such behavior was abuse.
It is painful beyond expression to bare witness to how little people understand. Coercion and manipulation are very seductive, albeit effective tools of power and control.
Because our general perception and understanding of sex trafficking is culturally and socially filtered through the perpetual degradation of women. We didn’t see it! We missed the mark as we usually do. A poor barefoot woman with disheveled clothing wasn’t thrown in the back of a van only to be beat up and drugged and rapped before she was pimped off to the highest bidder. We deduce the harm of these beautiful woman with access to wealth and perceived compliance as…just freaky.
“Why didn’t Cassie just leave?”
Well, dear comrades, I am glad you brought this up. The short answer is, there are many reasons. I’d like to amplify the fact that coercion and manipulation actually work but besides that fear, judgment, shame, and false promises are also common reasons people stay.
But also…
Women stay because of the hope restored during the good times, affection for the abuser, compassion for the abuser, cultural normalization of the harmful and abusive behavior (i.e. “you know how men are”), and our own indoctrinated beliefs about love.
As a girl,
I learned that the comfort of others mattered more than my own.
I learned that to love, is to serve and sacrifice.
I learned young that to be a good women, a valuable one, I am expected to give and accommodate. To be loved is to be…nice!
I have often been reminded that my discontent or dissatisfaction in my primary male relationships were an insult and sometimes a threat. And any woman that loves a man, never wants to be his threat. We want to be his peace. We are conditioned and expected to be even, even at the expense of our own.
And for this reason, I like many women have at times in my life silenced dissatisfactions, buried disappointments, and rationalized moments of personal disregard.
Before you make the implicit assumption that you are smarter or wiser or stronger; I hate to break it to you, but while women are particularly vulnerable, no one is immune. You may be smarter, wiser, or stronger but you are still human. And humans want to believe in the best about the people that they love. This is why you still let your cousin that never pays you back “borrow” money. This is why you took your ex-girlfriend back over and over again hoping, believing, and maybe even praying that it would change only to find years later that maybe it won’t. Humans don’t always do what we know is in our best interest. And as in this case, even when we do, fear, coercion and manipulation can lure us back.
Humans are hardwired for self-preservation and self-protection. Sometimes we stay, shut down, or comply to avoid the storm. This is why you never speak up when you feel your boss is exploiting your time. And this is also why you don’t request a color change with the nail-tech does a terrible job.
It's very possible that Cassie and the other women didn’t leave (sooner) because they were learning how to master wellness and their humanness (and the global hatred for women) simply got in the way. Does this mean that the harm is unfounded or invalid?
It appears so…
As stated by criminal defense attorney and CBS legal contributor, Caroline Polisi…
“This is a HUGE win for the defense…the jury was buying what the defense was selling”
Sean (aka Puff aka Puff Daddy aka P.Diddy aka Love) Combs is guilty of one thing…
“a great modern love story”
And this my friends is why…
We don’t tell.
And, we don’t leave.
Because it’s so very hard for anyone (even us) to see it.
Dr. Brandi Pritchett-Johnson is a licensed psychologist, consultant, educator, speaker, therapeutic coach and the creator of The Diane Morgan Group (DMG)–your premier therapeutic and consulting firm.
